gorgeous creatures are we

Bounty

2010-11-18T14:52:00.000-08:00

From famine to feast in the span of a week. I have a new job! Again! And I have an interview for another job next week! This is not greed, it is deserved. It feels really good to be chosen after so many nothings and "you're our runner up." I'm excited for many things. December seems to be the month of new. I had banked on November, and was slightly phased when the first came and all was the same, but I'll take positive change, even if it is a few months late for my taste.
The idea of having money (oh disposable income, you elusive beauty) has me compiling wish lists. A vintage Coach bag might be in order, after bills and debts have been paid. Happy birthday to me. Twenty-nine on December first. December looks good for all the right reasons.

Simplicity

2010-11-16T09:38:00.000-08:00

I think this (click me) is fantastic. Without overly involved written instructions and lavishly styled photos, she gets the point across.

Also, I'm glad someone finally figured out what makes planes fly (click me)

In real world news, I got a job. Thanks be to friends and interim, possibly permanent positions. I'm back at an old familiar, and I get to see some familiar faces. It's quite something to see someone, a teenager, whose life I was in - albeit minimally - a few summers ago. To have them remember me, and to be able to see them slightly less awkward, less teenagery, is pretty cool. Yup.

Nothing overwhelms

2010-10-13T10:18:00.003-07:00

Being unemployed, I have a lot of free time. This is a good thing, but sometimes I find it overwhelming. Like, the thought of all the things I could do today makes me anxious. I start thinking of all the things I need to or want to do, and it sort of overwhelms me to the point where I sit at home a lot of the time. I could really use a louder voice in the "get off your ass" department.

ohhh snap!

2010-09-14T09:27:00.001-07:00

something to watch the next time you're not high...

2010-09-09T10:34:00.001-07:00

Reggie Watts: BIG MUFF from Jake Lodwick on Vimeo.

things come in threes

2010-08-30T18:54:00.000-07:00

My grandma is in the hospital.

She slipped out of bed and dislocated her hip. It's her bionic hip; her artificial hip - I like to tell her she's part robot - so there wasn't as much pain as if it would have been her real, human bone hip. These small victories I will take.

My grandma has Alzheimer's. When we went to visit her yesterday she thought she was still in her suite. She didn't understand why the people coming to visit the boy in the next bed didn't use their own door. "Grandma, there's only one door. Do you know where you are?"

She's been fitted with a cumbersome looking brace, and she looks confused when we say we can't take it off her. It has to stay on for six to eight weeks. It's helping her body to mend. She's 90 years old. It must be a daunting task for a 90 year old body to try and mend itself.

She is still feisty. Saturday night, less than 24 hours after being admitted, she pulled her i.v out, got up and tried to walk around. She was bored she said. Now she has a little sleeve thing over her i.v so she can't pull it out. I'd like to think that if she really tried, she could.

She is still funny. She uses her humor and compliments to hide that she doesn't always know what's going on. She never complains even if she is in pain. In a hospital where there are people in the hallways, and no one really seems to know what is going on, this isn't a good thing. No one can say anything, no one knows anything. The nurse doesn't know when the Physiotherapy people will come and see her, she just knows it's sometime tomorrow. The nurse doesn't know when the doctor will be around (my mom hasn't even seen him), she just knows it will be sometime tomorrow. I feel these are things people, we, should know.

I know this is a turning point. This is one of those events that seems to happen to old people, and then their lives are different. They never make it out of the hospital, or they have to go to a nursing home instead of back to their houses or apartment suites. This will probably happen to my grandma. She will make it out of the hospital, but she won't be able to go back to her suite. She'll need more care than homecare can provide, so she'll have to go to a home.

She joked that the older you get, the more like a baby you become. I think that was one of her lucid moments, cause she would know.

It's hard to see my grandma like this, but it's hard to see my mom like this as well. Like she's looking out for her mom in this totally reversed roll (it's been like this for a while, but this situation just compounds it), and she's trying to work everything out, but in situations like this it's like she always has to be on the defensive, or rather, on the suspicion. She has to make sure the people in charge of helping her mother know she uses a walker to walk, and she has to make sure they know she never complains. She constantly has to advocate, and she has to be on guard, which gets really tiresome.

In all this I am okay. I feel useful and needed, and I feel like I'm doing right, but it wasn't ever a question. My ears are always open to listen and my shoulder is always available to cry on if need be. My feistyness - care of Grandma Christine - is always ready to go should I need to put someone in their place. I feel like I am doing right by them by just being there. I also feel like I've had enough. This is the three, the third in a series of life affecting things; things that happen to me that I must deal with, and I'm full up.

this is just really nice

2010-08-11T08:49:00.000-07:00

OOOOOMMMMGGGEEEEEE

2010-08-11T08:25:00.000-07:00

INSANITY!

Creativity

2010-07-28T11:47:00.000-07:00

I want him to teach my maybe babies...

Ai papi

2010-06-18T07:40:00.000-07:00

Brain train

2010-05-18T09:34:00.001-07:00

I haven't really felt the need to write on here in a while. I tell myself that I will, and I never do. Lot's of stuff is going on life wise I suppose, but overall I feel really stagnant. It's a weird combination that, at times, is really mentally draining. Highs and lows come, followed by obsessive thought and vacant stares. It's weird and inconsistent.

My job is ending in eight days. I am leaving for Montreal in 16. In between the two I need to file for e.i and pray they don't ask me to come in for a meeting while I am gone. It's kind of insane in a way. End your job, go on a trip. It made sense at the time. It still sort of does. Maybe I will find a job. Maybe I will find love. Maybe I'll just have a great time.

I am really looking forward to Montreal, but it is sort of bittersweet. A lot of stuff is. Well, it is in my brain, and it is how my brain makes it feel before I get there. Like my trip last year, this years is alone, when it was sort of supposed to be with someone. Thinking of this now, at work, makes it bittersweet. But, like last year, when I get to Montreal, it will be full of fun and living, and it won't allow for bittersweet or melancholy really.

I'm looking into school and stuff for Sept. This is kind of hard for me because it's sort of like admitting that something I thought I wanted so badly isn't, and that's sort of sad. Like for so long my life was consumed by this thing I wanted so much, but after it was all said and done it just hasn't panned out the way I wanted it to. I tried to make it work, but so far it's just been kind of a let down. I think about if things had been different, like if I wouldn't have been in a relationship would I have tried harder to go somewhere, anywhere, where I could have done what I wanted. But, at the same time, I did work in an environment - two even! - that I wanted to, and they were both interesting experiences, but job wise they just weren't feasible. So I adapt. It's what you have to do, and change is good. Forward progress is good. It's a pain in the ass, but education and betterment of any kind really is a good thing.

I'm looking in to teaching EAL. Working with newcomers was something I really enjoyed, and I've always thought/felt that teaching would be something I'd be good at and, almost more importantly, I would love, so putting the two together has the potential to be something really, really good. We shall see.

It's kind of amazing how writing things out can make you feel better.

2010-04-20T11:48:00.000-07:00

"Hi Sara,

It sounds like you have a lot going on in that head of yours :-)

Maybe figuring life out isn’t really possible? Maybe it’s just about doing, living, trying to enjoy, and not figure it out? I don’t know for sure; I do know that I am happiest and more content when I ‘do’ and not figure things out much."

What a time this is. What a time, this springtime.

Spring me (minus the fur, minus the hair, sort of)

2010-03-15T18:50:00.001-07:00

I'm going to get fake hair I think. I love this look. I can almost "copy" it right now, which is kind of exciting.
Tax return today. Must. Not. Go. Crazy.
It's kind of a cruel joke that tax money comes in the spring, when you're bored of everything you own and you want/need something new. Fiscal responsibility is hard.

One and only

2010-03-11T08:19:00.000-08:00

There are certain things, like this bowl for example, that when I see them I can't help but say "why didn't I think of that?!" It's almost like it is too simple, or too practical that it seems too obvious. But really, it's pretty much the greatest.

Probably one of the more annoying things about no longer having an "other" (I say probably because in reality there are a million other things that are much more annoying) is that I no longer have an obligatory movie date. It's nice to know that you have a person to go to things like movies with. Not having that kinda sucks. It creates much more work. Having an other is work, don't get me wrong, but it's a different kind of work. I think that's the overall statement. Not having an other creates much more work. There's all sorts of work involved, like the emotional work that you have to do to be okay, to be better, the legwork of finding friends/a new other to go to movies and things with, the emotional work involved with that. It's just a lot of work, and it's tiring sometimes.

I was watching a movie last night, and there was this part where the guy says "I want an unwritten life." Now, this is in line with the movie, but I couldn't help but feel that line resonate with me. It just sort of sounds right, and sounds like it fits. I want an unwritten life. Whatever that is. I could also be incredibly sensitive right now, and identify with any number of things that in reality have nothing to do with me. Either way, I like that line.

Narcissism

2010-03-10T09:24:00.000-08:00

I like this kitchen so much I've posted it twice (yes I have two blogs. I ignore them both, so I feel okay and not overly narcissistic).

I've attempted to write here on a couple of occasions. I write, then backspace to the blank page. I'm not feeling it. Well I am, cause I write (I was gifted an obscene amount of money in the form of McNally gift cards. I've stocked up on books, but I also indulged in a moleskin. It's divine, and something I would only buy with someone else's money. I'm more of a Composite Notebook/Hilroy kinda gal) but I'll openly admit that I have a hard time "blogging." Even the word seems gross to me. I am a lurker, a perver, not a sharer. I still check the Livejournal I started ten years ago, and revel in the few friends who still write. It's not that I have a hard time communicating, it's just that this whole thing seems so self indulgent, so me me me. Sometimes I feel that there's enough of the me me me mentality already in the real world that creating another self-centered mini universe, even if it's only in internet form, goes against something. Then again, who cares, right? There are worse things than a blog.

consecutive days

2009-08-13T07:24:00.001-07:00

alright, enough of the blah blah blah. there will be no more. for now.
i cannot get any work done today. i believe it to be physically impossible. if not physically, then mentally.
blame the humidity (although i am seated in an air conditioned room). blame the still fresh fun of last night. blame me. it just won't get done.
this morning came too early (why can't you and i just be friends, morning), and after showering, the very act of dressing caused me to sweat. let me tell you, there is joy to be found while standing topless in front of a fan. a necessary joy in this case, but joy none the less.
and now, here i am.
i am thinking about the fall, and what's to come, but more so what's going to go. my friends. i will lose them to school, and to other provinces, and this bums me out. why do i always lose the good. well, not lose, but sort of misplace. or something. you can know a lot of people, but it just isn't the same. those who i seem to know the most, love the most, those who make themselves available to me, and i to them, they leave. i need my friends. i need my friends especially in the great grey months where it seems we will never emerge, we will be forever stuck in winter. i need their physical presence, not just words on a screen, or a voice over the phone. i need to know they are real. first k, my one and only, and now b. never in my life have i wanted to visit calgary. now i do. well, i don't, but i will. this is time for terminal fun. like the countdown has begun for her winnipeg death (departure) and i must squeeze every last drop.

quotes

2009-08-11T10:26:00.000-07:00

When I was in High School, I had a quotes book. It was a small spiral notebook that I wrote quotes in. Any quotes. Things I said, things my friends said, and things people in magazines said. I showed it to my English teacher - who, to this day, is one of the most amazing women ever in my mind - because I loved her, and I wanted her to think I was this odd, cool, intelligent girl who stood out from the rest. I can remember being overly enthusiastic (as I sometimes am) and showing her this quote from Courtney Cox.
"I can't be with someone just for sex. Orgasms don't last long enough."
Oh Courtney, you Friend. How I hated your show, but this redeems you in some way.

overheard

2009-07-19T11:31:00.001-07:00

it's really weird when you hear two people having sex, especially when they are trying to be quite.
maybe weird is not the right word, but it's definitely something.

save your money, save it if it's gifted. travel the world

2009-07-17T07:38:00.000-07:00

a friend of mine recently took off to places yet discovered. he's gone for a year, and i am jealous. not that i'd want to do the same trip as him, but a trip, any trip, would be welcomed like love at this point.

when i was 18 i was gifted a large sum of money, and i didn't really so anything with it. i paid off my credit cards, which, consequently, are sitting at their limit as i type this. i went to israel, but that was a mostly free trip. i went to chicago, but, again, that was mostly free. i went to montreal, which wasn't free, so that's something. i shopped. i bought a camera. remember a time before digital? i have a spiffy slr. i guess it's not that i did nothing with the money, it's just that if i had that money now, i would do so many different things with it. i feel like i would put it to better use. it's not fair to say that i misused it or anything, because i mean, i was 18, and a different person, but i think about it know, and i want to kick myself.

new do

2009-07-15T11:37:00.000-07:00

I need a new do. I'm bored with mine. Hair is just hair, but it needs to be fun. It's better when it's fun. I have shortish, so there's only so much that can be done. I kind of miss my long hair. Extensions? I dunno. Short for now.
I also need a new ipod. We took a trip out to the cabin, and it didn't come back with me. At least that's what I think. I miss it terribly. I've had that thing for almost 5 years. Wow. That's like my longest relationship. Weird. Anyways, I miss it, and life isn't as fun without it. Thinking of finding a replacement is tough.

from the land of mush, transposed to my brain

2009-07-14T09:46:00.000-07:00

it will be a while before i feel normal. i know this. i have to remind myself of this. yesterday was easier than today. yesterday was 11:30 wake up and couch and groceries and bike dropping off. today is 6:45 wake up and work attire and computer screen. today is harder.
muted brick tones meld together to look like sand, reminding me i am not at the beach. reminding me i am no longer tenting it in the wilds of manitoba. when i was there it felt like forever, and i couldn't possibly stay another day. now i just want to go back, if only for the escape, and if only to avoid today.
reintroduction is never easy. this is not my natural habitat.
the days were enjoyable, the nights even better. alternate reality played itself out well, and save for a few "wtf" moments, the weekend was divine. our cluster was great. everyone combined to make a pleasant soup, no one flavour outshining the other.
six days is never long enough to fully restore your faith in fun and summer and humanity. it's long enough for it to linger, it's long enough while you're immersed, but i fear it may get forgotten in today; in any other day that seems bigger than those six. i need another six. i need another 12. i'd settle for one more.

productivity assesment

2009-06-19T08:47:00.000-07:00

this is the most productive i can be at work. sitting here, in my boss's chair, fingers rapidly spelling out (albeit not always correctly) words about my life outside of work. this is work, just not the right kind.

and what of my life outside of work...

for the most part it is good. there are moments when i feel truly blessed. sunshine brings it out. friends bring it out. weekday drinks and endless chats about everything and nothing brings it out. then there are times when i feel afloat in the sea. a lot of "what am i doing here?" times. not about life in general (although that does happen) but about specific situations. the thing is, i purposely put myself in those situations. my sister called me a masochist. i told her that wasn't the right word, but maybe it is. i have been reading a lot of things lately, passages and paragraphs, that resonate on a profound level. i wish i could write these out and share them; have others feel what i feel, but i have neither the time nor that fan base. maybe this is a winter project. start a blog devoted to my most favorite excerpts of things i read. i'd read it.

but i digress.

moments. what am i doing here moments. what is my role in this moments. what do i want my roll to be moments. how do i feel about this moments. i am much too much of a "roll with it" type person. i think that's where the masochist comes into play. let's roll with it until it ends badly. perhaps it won't end badly. it probably will, but how will you know how it ends if you do not let it play out. but how will you deal with the end after you've let it play out. how do you want it to play out. "i do not think that making the right decision is always the decision you need to make." okay, if you say so.

i still feel the need to be thrown. the need for something new. summer feels like it is here but hesitating. i've felt a few moments that can only be described as summer moments, but something feels not quite there yet. it's like standing on the precipice waiting to throw myself off, but being held back. maybe it's just me.

cancellation nation

2009-05-25T11:16:00.000-07:00

I've had three appointment/meeting cancellations today. What was to be a busy (re:good) day has dwindled into a not busy (re:meh) day.

I have a headache.

This weekend was one for the books. Really and truly. Although my Friday night was decidedly dull (I fell asleep at an hour suitable for someone 77, not 27) Saturday and Sunday were sublime. Garage saleing had me up the earliest I've been up on a Saturday in forever. I got some amazing finds (hello $40 Peugeot (which, on a side note, I am kind of intimidated by for a few reasons). I really think someone (maybe me) needs to make a movie about chronic garage salers. Like, how great would a documentary that follows a few people around all summer be. Even a book, like photos and writing, would be great too. Think of the people you would be introduced to; the sellers and the salers both. Anyways, yes, good weekend. The Park outing turned out to be a huge success, and it was so nice to see everyone. I got a tan. My nose got a little burn. The important thing is we all got sun and fun.

This weekend I also learned (well, I was asked) to MC a dear friends wedding next summer. These two are tops, and I am incredibly honoured, and already a bit nervous. I've already started writing the speech in my head. Is that weird? Future (much, much future) planning.

Although things are really good, I can't shake this feeling, a feeling like I am sedentary, or maybe more specifically, a feeling like I need something to happen. I need something new. I need to be thrown, or amazed. This sounds daunting, like the act of being amazed has to be some monumental thing, but in fact it doesn't. I think I just need something new. Someone new? Somewhere new? Perhaps something unfamiliar. It's strange, because in all honesty, sometimes in large group settings, or even sometimes in small groups (depends on the company) I feel like an outsider; like I'm on the fringe, not quite the core, and I try and familiarize/incorporate myself into the situation, so the thought of wanting to place myself somewhere unfamiliar seems counter productive, but I think it is necessary in a way. If that makes any sense. But yeah. I am ready for amazing things to happen. I can handle it (me, you, and everyone we know, thank you for that).

I still cry when antie dies

2009-05-13T18:44:00.000-07:00

antony

2009-05-02T16:51:00.000-07:00

oh course butterflies come out of his mouth while he sings.
of course.
this song is it. it's it.

also

2009-04-28T12:29:00.000-07:00

shopping frustrates me in this city.
sometimes it is good, but when i get inspired i find nothing.
i'm also thinking about all the things i should have bought in montreal.
poo.

hazy

2009-04-28T07:52:00.000-07:00

my head feels like it's filled with cotton balls. everything has a slightly hazy, off focus look to it today. please don't let this be the start of some super virus, the likes of which has been knocking my friends out. here's to sleep and movies in bed.

sometimes i think that no one takes things as personally as me. this is bad. and good. it means when someone says something nice i love love love it. it means when someone says or does something not nice i hate hate hate it. my versions of nice and not nice differ from others. i have to keep it in my head, somewhere near the front, that people, everyone, has their own life, and does things in their own way. maybe they aren't trying to be not nice. maybe they don't even realize it. who knows. maybe they are. maybe they are an ass. some people are asses. they can be popular and people can like them, but they can still be an ass. it happens.

last night i went grocery shopping. god do i love grocery shopping. i love food and the ingredients that go into making a wonderful meal. i love looking at all the weird stuff i have no idea how to cook. i love it all. i love my parents for always cooking and making me eat the "weird" food. i was the only white girl who knew about dim sum when i was a kid. i have been eating curries and lassie and all sorts of indian delights since i was just out of diapers. i love chicken palms and baby octopus. yes i do.

this weekend i had a supremely nice compliment paid to me. "fuck sara, i love your hair. i've never seen you look more like yourself." i've never seen you look more like yourself. that's tops. really and truly.

also

2009-04-25T22:29:00.000-07:00

marry me. we'll have a great life.

Tallest man on earth - These Days (Nico Cover) - A Take Away Show from La Blogotheque on Vimeo.

saturday afternoon

2009-04-25T16:39:00.001-07:00

sitting by the window in my mustard chair, looking out over broadway enjoying the sun on this wonderful saturday afternoon. evening. itunes playing. this comes on.

i burst out laughing. that's what you get for downloading all the hits of the 80s. from four tet to foreigner in one simple step. thank you alphabet.
last night was epic. at one point i said to those around me "this is what being alive is all about." thankfully they were friends, so this remark was met with high fives. i have some very talented friends. amazing. i am thankful for the people i know. i am thankful school is out so absent faces can make their comeback.
today a gaggle of ladies convened in dear chrystal's kitchen to bake a cake for her newly three year old son. i have a friend who has a three year old son, and another sweet boy on the way. the cake situation is questionable, but the experience was great. i so missed lady gatherings. more please.
what do you get for a three year old? well, i got him fake mustaches and eyebrows of course. oh lord i can hardly wait to see what he does with them. hilarious.
i feel like spring is in full effect, which means summer is on its way. welcome friend. i am pumped for the next few months. entertainment alone has me giddy. tv on the radio in may. soon! stoked! folk fest in july. camping pass now has its festival pass mate. they tease me from their magnetically secure place on my fridge. but, perhaps most the most amazing experience yet to come is fleetwood mac with mom and her hubby. yesssss. wouldn't have it any other way. friday was a mess of vibrating cell phone with frantic messages. "hi, it's me, my internet isn't working and i can't get through on the phone, so can you call?" sorry mom, i'm at work. few mintues later, "strike that last message, i got through and we're good. we're going." atta girl. she's still got it.

cracked tooth

2009-04-17T18:19:00.001-07:00

my situation, likened to my cracked tooth.

i have this cracked tooth. it's broken actually. it's the third one in, the first molar type one. its got a chunk out of it. it happened ages ago, and i never bothered to get it fixed. you see, i don't really notice it. i go about my day and it just sits there, in my mouth. i am living my life, and so is it (figuratively speaking). i'm happy and focused on other things. the cracked tooth never enters my mind. until i get a piece of food stuck in it. and then, oh boy, do i focus. now, this doesn't happen every time i eat, but when it does i pick at, use my tongue to, and use any sharp object (safety pins are a favorite) to get that little nugget of food out. i can't rest until i'm pretty much spent. i get so focused on that little piece of food that i don't focus on other things. i get consumed. in those few moments i think of nothing else, and that is no good. i need to think about my other teeth. i need to not focus on the one trouble maker.

i need to get it filled.

Susan Boyle

2009-04-16T10:09:00.001-07:00

This is the most fantastic thing I have seen in so long. I literally just sat here, at my desk with the stupidest grin on my face and (I'll admit), a little tear in my eye. 47 years old and never been kissed. 47 years old and putting herself out there. Fuck me, I should take a lesson from her.
I can't embed it, so click here to watch. Please

Wednesday's a good day to go back to work

2009-04-14T17:56:00.000-07:00

This weekend was a gooder. Took an extra day and headed to Montreal. Necessary. Had such a time. So silly. So fun. So refreshing. Today when I got back it was shockingly nice out. Welcome home to me.

three days

2009-04-09T10:36:00.000-07:00

I just looked at a picture of an amazingly dressed man, let out a short exhale and said (out loud) "do me." Ha.

In 24 hours I will be on a plane to Montreal. This makes me so very happy. I can't wait.

Winnipeg's golden boy

2009-04-07T19:04:00.000-07:00

A friend described this as one of his drawings come to life. I think it's neat.

take a chance. get hurt even, but play as well as you can

2009-04-04T08:20:00.000-07:00

My mom "made" me watch this when I was a lot younger, like early teens, and I didn't get it. I couldn't get past the grossness of young and old coupling. I didn't know who Cat Stevens was. It was just bad.
I've since watched it many a time, and now it is sublime. It popped into my head last week, and I've been saving it for today. Lovely way to start the day.

to do something for yourself

2009-04-02T09:36:00.000-07:00

Last night I pushed myself. I put myself in a (mostly) unfamiliar situation with only one familiar face, and I went to it. It was grand. I am so glad I didn't talk myself out of it, which, in all honesty, is something that comes very easily. Today I feel it, and it is a reminder of what I am capable of, and how far I have to go, and it feels great. To come out after to a calm night and a light dusting of snow was, despite the fact it's April, wonderful. To walk home alone, accompanied only by music, was lovely. All I could think about was this is what it is like to do something only for yourself. This is what it is like to be healthily selfish. What's taken me so long to see this is needed. So needed. Had I really become someone who didn't do anything, didn't take any quality time for themselves? Maybe. I don't know. Maybe I don't want to admit. Either way, this is where it's at, and I am stoked.

Also, I leave for Montreal in 8 days. There isn't anything that makes me happier than thinking of that trip.

today is a new day

2009-03-31T18:37:00.000-07:00

Oh talking, how I love you. Oh friends, how I love you. Oh today, how I love you. Still a bit all over the place, but I might as well love that too, cause it is how it is.
But this, this is something special. Thank you Brooke.

Gentle hour

2009-03-26T12:14:00.000-07:00

This song makes me want to be underneath the covers with someone, just touching them. Not sex, just being together. Close. Nice.
God it's beautiful

I'm the same age as him

2009-03-24T17:57:00.000-07:00

How was this even a movie? Can you imagine George Lucas pitching this to the producers.
"Okay, so this time it's not robots, Ewoks, a Death Star, and a Freaudian plot twist, this time it's a horny smart mouthed duck and a street wise but sweet rocker chick, with her hot rocker bandmates and a nerdy friend thrown in for good measure."

silver lining, but now i'm gold

2009-03-19T18:58:00.000-07:00

Lately it seems as though every song is written just for me. I'm loving music. This is directly the result of spring and things. It's so nice to walk and listen and hum along and not be huddled against the elements. Side note: gay men write the best anthems. The world is a better place because of the Pet Shop Boys.

Anyways.

Dancing should be given out as a prescription. "Go out and dance till your feet hurt and call me in the morning." Best medicine.

Yes. It's good. It's all good. A season of possibilities. Nothing and everything, y'know. The city is waking, it's coming to life. It's so great. It's whatever I want; my own personal movie, which is wonderful.

I had this really unnerving/interesting experience earlier this week. It was good to be thrown like that. Someone got it so right after only talking to me for minutes. Not quite an hour had passed, and we were talking, and she said something that was so fucking dead on I was literally taken aback, which never happens. It was so weird, but so liberating. It was a "holy shit woman, you are so right, I needed to hear that," moment. God bless insightful, cool women.

Speaking of, I love this gorgeous, crazy freak of a woman. Can't get enough.

goodness

2009-03-09T18:26:00.000-07:00

This made me smile today. I like it when things are spelled my way.

Oh random graffiti. Thank you.

Good grief. Good grief over everything lately. Too much.

This weekend was lovely. Strange. Too drunk. Too many emotions. But lovely none the less. A combination of my true best visiting from Mtl and some new lovelies that really have come out of the woodwork and made me realize that yeah, people are good. They really are. Or they can be. I've had these strangely wonderful experiences lately where I've been bummed (work, life, you know) and randomly someone has called or showed up, out of the blue, like I was sending off some secret distress signal I didn't know about. Hell, I don't know, but it's quite something. Appreciated to the max.

I just called to say I love you

2009-03-02T08:28:00.000-08:00

What is it about mothers that can make you weep just by saying hello.
The phone rings.

"Hello."
"Hellooooo."
And I start to cry.

Damn mom, you do it to me every time. I can remember being 12 years old, flying on my own for the first time. I missed the plane. The people were jerks. Of course I would have come to the desk sooner if I would have heard you calling my name. I'm a kid, I'm not stupid you ass. I dealt with it, and called the parents. Neither of them were home. I sat and waited. I called again.

"Hello."
"I missed the plane."
Que waterworks.

This past while has been traumatic for lack of a better word. I like the word trauma. It seems more all encompassing than "hard" or "shitty." Either way, it's been hard. It is hard, but it is what it is, and it will be this way for a while, and then it will be less hard, and then it won't be hard at all (hopefully). I wait with baited breath for that day. I have to allow myself to be okay with it being hard. I am eternally patient when it comes to other people and their lives, but I have less than zero patience for myself it seems. Fuck Sara, you've been here before, just get over it. Just get happy and move on. Don't dwell.

It's amazing that in times of utter shit, you see the true and amazing colours of your friends. It's like crisis situations bring out the amazing in people. For this is am truly thankful. I have had my friends come out for me, and they have let me be shitty and they have let me make no sense, and they have let me rant and I have let it all out until I have repeated myself a million times, and they have listened. They are true. There is something about women that really is truly amazing. Maybe I'm getting spiritual, maybe I am putting the good out there so it comes back to me, maybe I'm just fortunate, but over the past month I have found myself on the receiving end of love and affection from friends and strangers, all female, and it has been amazing. There is good in this bad.

She's still smiling. You can smile through anything.

Yes, but that doesn't mean it doesn't suck. For now.

today

2009-02-14T14:28:00.001-08:00

Today was a great day. It was an ordinary day, but it was great. For this I am thankful. I did not take pictures of the places I went, or the faces I saw. It's all up here. It was necessary. My life of late has been a bit off kilter. Stuff and things. Y'know. Today was perfectly normal and good.

Tonight while lovers are loving, and my lover is in Edmonton (I know, right?!) I think I am going to get takeout, and stay in with dear old Clem. Maybe watch a movie. Maybe tackle the giant pile of dishes that has, much to my dismay, not gone away. This pile of dishes is so grand, that I have resorted to using dished that have been wrapped, never used, since I moved out of my mother's house. I hate doing dishes.

I am okay with not going out. I only feel odd; like there's something wrong with me, when someone says "you didn't go out?!" much like they would say "you like the taste of human flesh?" I am a social person, but large crowds make me anxious lately, and I really value face to face, which is hard in a loud environment. I love a good dance party as much as the next, but sometimes my own company is all I desire.

The photo is of a gem I got today. It's really quite something. "TRI PIX (pat. pending) The latest in third dimensional pictures. Created and produced by Vomac Creations, Toronto." Oh yes, it seems Dorothy and Toto painted on two panes of glass with a background were all the rage in what I can only assume to be the 50's. I love it. It's going on my wall. Also, that was the first time I've used photobooth in forever.

family

2009-02-11T16:35:00.000-08:00

There is something about this photo that I love love love. It's like the most gorgeously unconventionally beautiful family. That beard, those kids, their eyes. Intense. Good God.

mother tounge

2009-02-06T19:04:00.000-08:00

i want a lot but wanting things scares me. it requires action and sometimes the reliance on someone else, which is terrifying. really. sometimes. asking is almost a foreign language. expecting is not unfamiliar, but wishful thinking is a vernacular i am familiar with. change comes from within but so much of it relies on the without. outside forces. as in other people, places, things.

cream of early gray tea is one of the greatest things ever. almost.

also, is it wrong to want to go to bed a 9:13 on a Friday. well, go to bed to read. it's my tradition.

also, i miss my longish hair. i think i am to grow it again. god, it's going to be hell.

Is this real life?

2009-02-03T18:57:00.001-08:00

Man, being a kid is weird enough. Being a kid on drugs is even weirder.

2009-01-20T19:45:00.000-08:00

dwellings

2009-01-20T19:31:00.000-08:00

this is my favorite nook in my very own apartment. (much like the man behind the curtain, pay no mind to the modem and the cords. technology is rarely beautiful. or subtle.)

life and times

2009-01-18T15:57:00.000-08:00

So I'm watching War of the Worlds (lazy Sunday + it's on t.v = only way I would watch anything with Tom Cruise), and I'm thinking that being vaporized might not be a bad way to die. I mean, there are millions of ways to die, many of which I think would be quite painful, and that's really not something I'm into. By all accounts (everything I've seen on t.v) getting vaporized is pretty quick and painless. You're there, then you're not. Alright.

On a completely different tangent, sometimes I think it's unfair that we only get one life. When I think about all the things I want to do, and really, when you think about it, the limited time I/we have to do anything in (I never used to think about eggs), it's really unfair. I want to travel the world. I want to spend significant time in places I've only seen on t.v. I want to be an actress and an accomplished artist (that combo hasn't really been done before). I want to run away with my love and discover things together. I want to have no kids. I want to have many kids. I want to learn how to Flamenco in Spain. I want to eat food that scares me. I want to make movies. I want to go to Peru. I want to have a travel show like Anthony Bourdain. I want to do nothing. I want to be a world class chef. I want to own a beautiful house and hold lavish dinner parties for loved ones. I want to take off and tell no one. I want to do some of this on my own. I want to do some of this with someone. I feel like I can't possibly do all of this though, and sometimes I think that's sad. Like I am too conventional or something. Too practical. Debt. Cat. Life. I want to think these things won't get in the way, but they do, or I fear they will. I know for a fact that I will do some of these things on my "list." I know for a fact that I won't do others. I guess being happy is finding the medium, however that happens. I would like to state for the record that I would like an aditional life, or maybe a longer one, or something so I can fit more stuff in, but still be occasionally very lazy. (i see nothing wrong with that).

back before tv was a crutch

2008-12-11T20:01:00.000-08:00

Leave it to yesteryear to break out the freaky cool. The Lawrence Welk Show kills it.

Inagural ball

2008-12-10T18:47:00.000-08:00

Clementine doesn't really like it when a lot of people come over. She's better with smaller crowds. I love her anyways.

Blogging is not new to me. I've had a livejournal since 2002, but it seems, I don't know, I feel more like lurking than posting there. I'm not even entirely convinced I want to post here, but I guess we'll just have to see.